Give Me Steam

Hemochromatosis. Too much iron in the blood. I didn't have it. I had too much iron on my clothes. They don't have a word for that, but I was suffering. I had left my ironing board up for over a year, routinely ironing clothes before work. People would ask me why I ironed so much, and at times I felt like I was all alone, jealous of those who mysteriously had wrinkle free clothes. Of course I had regularly thrown a couple of items into the dryer. I had gone as far as buying Downy Fabric Releaser in bulk, but I kept coming back to the iron.

Now everything has changed. For six months my only iron has been dietary. I owe it all to steam. My iron would make steam, but not like I needed. I needed crazy steam. Now I have 1300 watts of steam spewing power that make wrinkles disappear faster than panties at a Tom Jones concert. Have you ever tried to iron cargo pants? Miserable. Steam cargo pants? Piece of cake! I love it. Steam is so much more than a Peter Gabriel song. It is broccoli's best friend and can power locomotives over mountains. It can clean your carpets and draw crowds to geysers. It can also mess you up, which makes it dangerous, and therefore, very cool.

Now I only iron on vacation, and the lousy hotel irons make me miss my steamer even more. I'm not going to lie about it -- people see my steamer and they want to use it. It's intriguing. I do suggest you try it. It could change your life...

Ain't Gettin' Any!

Nope.  Not a post about sex.  It's about the "homeless" guy standing at the intersection with the "Please Help" sign, listening to an iPod!  First of all, it's a rechargeable battery, which means you're charging it, which means you're probably plugging it into a wall or a computer, which means you probably aren't that homeless.  If you're pan handling, it seems like it would be in your best interest to look like you've got everything working against you.  Don't wear nice shoes.  Don't wear nice clean clothes.  Don't shave.  Don't smoke.  Don't sit down.  You ain't getting my money.

On the other hand, you can go a long way with a funny sign.  That's a good way to earn a buck.  

Bait and Switch

The bait and switch. It's the oldest trick in the book. You'd expect it from a car dealership. You wouldn't expect it from friends at a barbeque. This summer I headed up to my roommate's aunt's house for a little barbeque, relishing a nice Griller or two. There's an assortment of chicken, carne asada, and hot dogs, but none of the best vege-meat ever. Soon a well-meaning aunt asks if I would like a Griller, and I confirm that I do. A couple minutes later I am handed a small plate with a Griller... straight from the microwave! There is nothing wrong with a Griller from the microwave when I am at home, but if I am going to a barbeque, and the grill is already fired up, then my vege-meat should be getting some sweet grilling goodness. I had been duped. Nothing else about the meal could make up for this culinary injustice. To make matters worse, there were quite a few vegetarians present. Others likely suffered this same tragedy. Don't get me wrong, a Griller from the microwave is way better than the grilled cheese at In-N-Out, but it still rubs me the wrong way. This will serve as fair warning to those hosting barbeques in the future - don't patronize your vege-meat eating friends this way. Give 'em the sweet grilled goodness.

When Less Is Less

At the risk of turning this into a blog about hair, I am going to approach the subject once again.  Usually I am concerned with an over-abundance of hair, but there is a flip side - the over zealous eyebrow plucker.  How does this happen?  Does a person just look in the mirror one day, say "eyebrows suck," and methodically remove all traces?  Does plucking become like a gambling addiction that slowly takes away every thing you have?  Eyebrows serve a function!  Sure, they can get out of hand, growing bushier than a schnauzer's, but they also prevent sweat and even rain from rolling right into your eyeball.  As much as I am a fan of function, I'm also into aesthetics.  The real reason this bothers me, is that it's just weird.  It kind of freaks me out.  The lack of eyebrows is only part of it -- the hideous make-up that some people choose instead can be wild.  Sometimes I wonder who people think they're fooling when they only have a few thin hairs in the area where an eyebrow used to be, acting as dots to connect the lines of bad make-up.  Sometimes less is more, such as fixing the unibrow, but taken to extremes, less is less.  

No I Did Not

A few weeks ago a group of us were going to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner.  The restaurant is located at the mall, so as the hostess is walking us to our table, she asks if we did any good shopping that day.  Without hesitating I said no, that I had not.  Later, as I thought about it, I was disappointed that I had blown an opportunity to make something up.  The hostess was obviously just doing her job, and making light, meaningless conversation, but since I'm kind of weird, I figure I should take advantage of these opportunities with a entertaining lie or story.  

It also reminded me of another time years ago when my dad and I were rolling through a small mountain town on the way back from four-wheeling.  As we were driving through this parking lot, this tall blond woman stopped us and asked if she had seen me at a bar or club the night before.  I felt like a deer in the headlights as I shot back a quick "no."  As she left, I was quickly reprimanded by my ever entertaining father for not playing along, and at least having fun with it.  Well, years passed, and I realized that I had made no progress with the impromptu lie.  Now that it is back in my thoughts, I'm going to work on some good stories for the unsuspecting person that exchanges in pleasantries.  Think George Costanza pretending to be a marine biologist or an architect.

The Shame of the Good Fast Food Employee

Really? This is living up to your potential? This is a career? This is your opportunity? This is wrong. This is selling yourself short. Maybe not for everyone, but if you've got a suit like the one in the picture, maybe you should aim higher.
I'm a little conflicted regarding good employees in fast food jobs. There are those diamonds in the rough that make it worth driving past the close Taco Bell so you get to the one that does it right. There's the breakfast guy at Del Taco that knows my order if he sees my car pull up. These are the people who routinely perform above the bar that has been set by countless others with no ambition. These are the people who you really hope get better jobs, at better restaurants, in better industries, etc. These are the ones you shouldn't take for granted. You can usually tell who they are before they leave. Sometimes they are the kids obviously putting themselves through school, and you are almost happy for them when one day your burrito kind of sucks. Others remain, and you wonder why, and the good person in you wouldn't mind if your burrito sucked tomorrow. Perhaps they are managers, and doing better then I imagine, but I'm pretty sure that McDonald's is more of a job than a career.

A Failed Channelling

A week ago I was in Portland for the Portland Marathon. I was ill-prepared, due to too much weight and too little training, so I was looking for any extra edge I could find. Since I was in Oregon, I turned to Oregon's own Steve Prefontaine for strength. Being short on hair, I turned to what I had left--the stache.

Well, let me just tell you, that channelling Pre through a mustache doesn't work. I crossed the finish line, but without style and without energy. Okay, the stache had some style, but it also scared children and repulsed women. I shaved it off upon arriving back at the hotel. Even with this failed channelling, I still think it was a good idea. If nothing else, it was a chance to sport a ridiculous mustache in a place where nobody knew me. I don't know when I will try to channel powers again, but you can bet you're going to be reading more about mustaches sometime in the future.

Passports

Why is it that your the document that gives you freedom to explore most of the world is so cumbersome and user unfriendly? It feels like a large, flat ball and chain, requiring special pockets or arrangements to keep on your person. There are various security wallets, pouches and belts for concealing them, but all are limited by the size of what they must carry. I prefer the passport wallet that has a loop around a belt, then hangs on the side of the hip, as it is the most natural and concealable of the four passport wallets I own, but even so, one must worry about crunching or creasing the passport. Now that passports are issued with electronic radio signals built into them, it seems like passports could undergo a change in form factor, more like an identification card, or a driver's license. All the information could be stored electronically, it could be more durable as well as easier to carry. Gone could be the awkward moments of reaching into your pants every time you checked into a hotel. It might take away some novelty of flipping through a passport for evidence that you are well traveled, but it's a sensible trade off. All the world got together to come up with current passport designs once before--hopefully they can shrink our current paper ball and chain in the future. Can I get an amen?

Don't Get It Twisted

I work in a world where I am constantly trying to get people to become more aware.  Mostly of their posture and movement, but it varies according to their needs.  Various factors influence my prediction of their success, but awareness of one's body is paramount.  This brings me to a disturbing observation I had the other day at work.  While it is quite common to see a woman's skirt twisting to the side, I was dumbfounded to see a man's pants ridiculously twisted at the waist.  One hip pocket was approaching the vertical smile, while the other seemed on a mission to become a front pocket.  It is quite believable that a skirt could twist to the side without notice, but there are various design and anatomical reasons why this is quite inconceivable for a man's trousers.  To clarify, this man was not twisting off of a mat, or doing anything that would have just twisted the pants.  Far too much time had passed, with ample opportunity to straighten out this most uncomfortable blunder.  It almost made me mad, but I was a little too aghast to settle on one emotion.  So while it may not be as familiar as "don't get your panties in a knot," I'd recommend you don't get your trousers twisted.