National Egg Nog Day

A lot of talk is given to the true meaning of Christmas
And I wouldn't blame a single person if they were to miss this
A day like Rodney Dangerfield doesn't get respect
I'd like to share with all of you my seasonal regret

While everyone is talking 'bout the birth of Baby Jesus
Or fighting crowds for Christmas gifts to be given between us
I want to call attention to a day that most ignore
Today is National Egg Nog Day December 24

I've you're looking to unwind
With an alternative to wine
Have some egg nog

If you need some Christmas cheer
Don't go reaching for a beer
Have some egg nog

If you want to feel dandy
You can spike your nog with brandy
Have some egg nog

If you need something to chase
Away that fruitcake taste
Have some egg nog

If you want to gain a pound
Just have another round
Have more egg nog

If your friends sneer and say eww
Then there'll be more nog for you
Have more egg nog

I know many won't agree
So there'll be more nog for me
I love egg nog

Check This

If memory serves me correctly, my last blog regarding the grocery store was in reference to the shirtless shopper.  The last topic was amusing.  This one is most annoying.  As much as I hate waiting behind lazy drivers at stop lights, I really cannot stand waiting behind check-writers in the grocery store.  It's not even about the checks.  It's about the complete disregard for those behind them.  Too many times people are chatting, sorting through either coupons or food stamps, and only once their groceries are totaled to they start writing the check.  By the time the total is ready, the check should have the payee written and the check should be signed.  Only the payment amount should remain.

The express lane, which does not accept checks, is a slight concession to those craving efficiency.  I would propose one step further.  I would propose a check and coupon line.  I understand that people can save money by clipping coupons, but let me play devil's advocate.  People in advertising might disagree with me, but coupons and gym memberships are similar.  Gyms sell memberships, but only a percentage of members actually go.  Coupons printed and mailed in mass quantities, but how many people clip, and how many throw them away?  For that matter, how many people are up in arms because of plastic bottles, but don't blink an eye about junk mail and coupon mailers.  These are not my battles, as plenty of people have drawn attention to the ecological reasons for going paperless.  I just want people to stop writing damned checks in the check-out line.  Checks are for mailing.  And seriously, who doesn't have an ATM card by now?

Good vs. Evil

Tonight, Iron Chef America is showing a repeat from November 2006. I remember this day very well. Three chefs. One non-chef. From the outset, I was torn. My three favorite television chef's were on one show. Two would be paired together. One would have to fall on the grenade that was Rachel Ray. This undesirable task fell upon Mario Batali. On the other side were my favorites, Bobby Flay and Giada de Laurentiis. When the smoke had cleared, Rachel Ray had ridden on Batali's coattails to an upset victory, and it upset me, as well.

I have been unable to let go of this for over two years. No disrespect to Mario Batali, but Rachel Ray represents everything that is soulless and wrong. Giada represents everything that is wholesome and pure. I must take this opportunity to blow off some steam.

As we are two days away from Ray's throat surgery (likely her own body's revolt against her unpleasant voice), I can think of no better time to speak my mind. Watching her on television, it is like she is daring you to despise her. Made up acronyms such as EVOO, saying yum-o, and all of her other peculiar phrases drive me crazy. Ray admits that she is grossly unqualified for what she does, yet shamelessly self-promotes herself alongside experts. Hey Rachel, I'm an internet-ordained minister, but you don't see me placing myself alongside pastors and priests. How can you seriously expect people to take you seriously when you state that you can't even make coffee?

Thankfully, for Ray's yin, we have de Laurentiis' yang. Newton's third law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, thus we are given an angel--Giada de Laurentiis. Giada's passion for food and life are obvious when you watch her. She does not try to force herself on you, but rather invites you into her kitchen, if you are so inclined. I, for one, am so inclined. She is an innocent seductress, the girl next door, if the girl next door could be a super model. I've tried a few dishes from her show, but sometimes I still feel like she is looking at me through the camera, saying, "I know you're not watching for the food, but that's okay. I understand. Maybe you'll like the next dish." She is an angel, sent to bring joy to the world.

In the end, it is clear that we need both of them. We need Rachel Ray so we appreciate Giada. There is no debate. Don't be deceived by thirty minute meals that take an hour. To quote Judge Smails from Caddyshack, "There are two forces in the world--Goodness and Badness. You need to decide which you want to be. Do you want to be good?" Choose Giada de Laurentiis.

My Golf Game is Like Art

If you've golfed with me you're probably starting to object, but read on.  I've rarely strung together enough good shots to have a really low score.  I'll follow a birdie with a triple bogie.  When you take close to one hundred shots, you're bound to have a few good ones.  Strangers I've played with have made the mistake of complimenting my swing before I strike the ball.  This is their mistake, as the percentages say that the real thing will not live up to the beauty of my practice swing.  But I've hit amazing shots.  Three hundred yard drives with a slight, yet planned draw to set up a short chip for birdie.  Most of the times I try to replicate this beauty it turns into a snap-hook into a hazard.  Such is the fate of the twice-yearly golfer.  But the one or two beauties are enough to keep my clubs off the lake bottom.  Enough to make me, in some cruel self-punishment, believe that there lies within me some speck of talent, and return for another three-digit day.

Art Galleries are similar.  Whenever I go, I inevitably find a few pieces I like.  Some would lead you to believe that art galleries are full of great work, but I say that most galleries are like my golf game.  There are usually a few real winners sprinkled throughout a slew of slices and worm-burners.  The best part of the Guggenheim in Bilbao was the building.  I was bored inside.  Too many dreary Russian portraits.  I like Hopper, Miro, Picasso, Dali, Chagall, and van Gogh's olive trees.  I can't tell you what I like about any of them.  It doesn't matter.  There are usually just enough to keep me coming back.  

So my golf game is like art--because a lot of art sucks, too.

Cheap Bikes

What in the world is going on with cheap bikes?  Every day I see people on cheap, Wal-Mart bikes with full suspension commuting to and from work, etc.  I have nothing against cheap bikes, but am disgusted at the cheap bikes that people buy.  If you wear jeans on your bike, you do not need full suspension.  The increased weight and decreased efficiency of an expensive suspension bike makes it ill-suited for commuting, let alone those with bargain basement parts.  A smarter consumer could get more for his money with a rigid frame, narrower tire design without the visual frills of these cheap pieces of crap.  The sensibility of the bomb-proof BMX bike reigns as a superior choice, except for it's inefficient pedaling height and wheel size.  They've got the right idea in China and Europe, with simple, efficient adult size commuters.  I wonder who the commuters on theses cheap death traps think they're fooling.

Metrication and Dvorak

I know. The title grabbed you. Two words you always wanted together. Their common traits will soon be apparent. Let's start with Dvorak.

You are likely sitting before a computer, and therefore a keyboard. Due to the mechanical limitations of Christopher Sholes' 1874 machine, it is probably a QWERTY keyboard. The QWERTY layout was originally designed with some kind of logic, but evolved over six years to minimize typebar clashes. Nineteen years later Blickensderfer's typewriter used a supposedly superior layout, but it never caught on. Today there is a small movement towards the Dvorak Simplified Keyboard. The beauty of the Dvorak design was that without the mechanical limitations of the QWERTY design, August Dvorak studied letter frequencies and hand physiology to create a keyboard that minimized hand fatigue and increased efficiency. In a society that increasingly values productivity, yet suffers from repetitive stress injuries such as carpal tunnel syndrome, why have we not changed to a more efficient model?

For exactly the same reasons that we have not undergone mandatory metrication. Show me a person who believes that the Imperial System, also known as the United States Customary System, is superior to the metric system, and I will show you an idiot. The United States is slowly undergoing voluntary metrication, but outside the food, medical and scientific communities, it is rare. At what point to speed limit signs get posted in km/hr?

The answer is that it is easier to keep doing things the wrong way than it is to put out the initial investment to make long term improvements. There is the part of me that wants to adopt the Dvorak as my preferred keyboard. Our computers already have the Dvorak Simplified Keyboard layout a few strokes away. I'll keep you posted.

Handshake

I have fallen victim of the handshake that I disdain. We often take for granted what is conveyed in this simplest of tasks. There are many types of handshakes, from the polyphasic shakes, the thumb hold shake used with the bro-hug, the slap and fist-bump, secret handshakes and the classic handshake. Situationally, one usually flows from shake to shake with little thought or consequence. One can usually be forgiven for a shake error, but the simplest of shakes can expose your weaknesses. With the classic, standard handshake, it is an unwritten rule (until now, because I'm writing it) that the web spaces must make contact. When they do not, you are usually left holding a limp, clammy set of four creepy fingers. These fingers bring judgement and ridicule. This is why I was filled with self-loathing and disgust a couple of weeks ago when I accidentally broke my own rule. The four fingers being squeezed were attached to my empty palm, being shook by a superior grip. I'm not sure how it happened, but he could probably see it in my face. I wanted a redo, but you don't get a second chance. I wanted to find another hand to shake, to wash the self-loathing away. Nobody apologizes for a weak handshake. To apologize is to acknowledge that it happened. The best you can hope for is that nobody else noticed. I've ratted myself out. I've admitted a weak shake. Believe me, it will be a long time before it happens again.

Buttons

We all know that men's shirts and women's shirts button differently, based on the fact that men have traditionally dressed themselves, while women were once dressed by others. What not many people are paying attention to, is cartoon button-up shirts. I was watching Family Guy tonight, and noticed that both Lois and Peter's shirts buttoned up the same way. I realize that I'm probably one of only two people in the entire world to notice this, But Peter Griffin wears women's shirts! But before you call him a cross-dresser, sometimes he wears men's shirts, as well. If you look at hulu.com, you will see Peter in a men's shirt on the main Family Guy page, but he consistently wears what can only be explained as women's wear. Quagmire wears what is apparently a button-up without buttons. Joe wears a polo shirt without buttons. Cleveland wears a t-shirt. In fact, I'm pretty sure that most characters are wearing women's shirts. I'm pretty sure that Jay Leno was on Family Guy wearing a men's suit, though.

Tell me again how my mind is idle when I watch television.

Onions

In a supposedly uniform menu, how can one have a Taco Bell bean burrito that stands out as good or bad?  The point of a chain restaurant is so that you know what you're getting.  That being said, taking the classic bean burrito as our example, the make or break ingredient is the onion.  Sometimes there are onions, and sometimes there are not.  Fact - the good burritos have onions.  They supply a satisfying texture to an otherwise uninteresting chew.  So today, in an effort to break it up a little bit, I stopped by Alberto's for a burrito.  Imagine my surprise when I get home and find onions like you'd find on a burger inside my burrito!  Sliced onions do not belong in a burrito, end of story.  Sliced is for burgers, chopped is for burritos.  

I remember a time when I didn't like, or at least didn't think I liked onions, and now it's hard to imagine why.  The Ancient Egyptians worshipped it.  Ancient Greek athletes ate large quantities of onions because they believed it would lighten the balance of the blood.  Roman gladiators were rubbed down with onion to firm up their muscles.  They have been prescribed for bowel movements, erections, headaches and hair loss.  Syn-propanethial-S-oxide can kiss my ass, but in January of 2008, New Zealand created a strain of "no tears" onions.

At this point you should realize two things -- you should educate yourself more about onions, because nobody else but me is telling you, and you should always have chopped onions on your bean burritos!

Changing The World!

My efforts have been validated.  It is said that if you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem, and my friends, I am writing to tell you I am part of the solution.  My little blog has become a vehicle for change, helping to create the world that I want to live in.  Today I was informed that one of my blogs has actually modified the behavior of a reader.  She shall remain anonymous for her own protection, but when I heard the good news, that ten little toes rub a little smoother, I felt like these little blurbs, so often dismissed as the ramblings of a mad man, are totally worth my time.  Sure, it's not quite the feeling of a proud parent who's child just hit the game winning home run, but it's nice, nevertheless.  Hairy noses, shirtless shoppers and shirts tucked into underwear still persist, but we can keep our fingers crossed that a positive butterfly effect is underway.