The Return

Well, after being plagued by writer's block for over a month, finally something amazing happened. Before I get your expectations all in a tizzy, let me just say that it was amazing like my fingernails. After having nothing extraordinary happen for some time, there was a chain of events worth sharing.

First, on Monday, I finally called the Northwest in my first proactive move to leaving this smog-infested cluster-f*%& that is the Inland Empire. It felt good to finally do more than daydream about it.

Secondly, tonight on the way home from work I stopped by Albertsons, which has been hanging on by a thread. In an unexpected surprise, I was greeted right inside the doors by a single four-pack of Ciabatta sandwich bread. I almost avoided a Rachel Ray experience, but was ambushed at the olive oil section by her f'ing Rachel Ray EVOO. I didn't have to hear her say it or anything, so everything worked out okay.

Third, and this was a near miss, I was finishing my day at work I was kind of noticing that my shoelaces were loosening. I didn't really want to do anything about it, so let it go. I noticed again in the grocery store, but pressed on in spite of it. I thought the knot might make it until I got home. About 60 feet from the front door the right gave way. The left held on, loosened, but intact. Upon entrance into our ghetto castle a quick shake of my foot freed my foot. The left required a slight bump on the back of the heel.

It was instantly apparent to me what I must do. In spite of the variables involved, I must try to tie my shoes every morning with the intent that they loosen right at the moment I intend to remove them. If I pull it off for real, it will be legendary. I wear slip-on shoes about half the time, and often go days without a proper shoe or laces to tie, so my chances are likely reduced against a more frequently shod competitor (should someone want to try to accomplish this feat before me).

This brings me to another exciting event. After much internet research on Vibram FiveFingers, I tried some on. Their unique fit necessitated trying them on for size, but as recent demand has exceeded supply, they did not have a desired size/style/color combination in stock. They were ordered that night from the website, and I expect them this Friday, which will surely inspire another post.

Good vs. Evil

Tonight, Iron Chef America is showing a repeat from November 2006. I remember this day very well. Three chefs. One non-chef. From the outset, I was torn. My three favorite television chef's were on one show. Two would be paired together. One would have to fall on the grenade that was Rachel Ray. This undesirable task fell upon Mario Batali. On the other side were my favorites, Bobby Flay and Giada de Laurentiis. When the smoke had cleared, Rachel Ray had ridden on Batali's coattails to an upset victory, and it upset me, as well.

I have been unable to let go of this for over two years. No disrespect to Mario Batali, but Rachel Ray represents everything that is soulless and wrong. Giada represents everything that is wholesome and pure. I must take this opportunity to blow off some steam.

As we are two days away from Ray's throat surgery (likely her own body's revolt against her unpleasant voice), I can think of no better time to speak my mind. Watching her on television, it is like she is daring you to despise her. Made up acronyms such as EVOO, saying yum-o, and all of her other peculiar phrases drive me crazy. Ray admits that she is grossly unqualified for what she does, yet shamelessly self-promotes herself alongside experts. Hey Rachel, I'm an internet-ordained minister, but you don't see me placing myself alongside pastors and priests. How can you seriously expect people to take you seriously when you state that you can't even make coffee?

Thankfully, for Ray's yin, we have de Laurentiis' yang. Newton's third law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, thus we are given an angel--Giada de Laurentiis. Giada's passion for food and life are obvious when you watch her. She does not try to force herself on you, but rather invites you into her kitchen, if you are so inclined. I, for one, am so inclined. She is an innocent seductress, the girl next door, if the girl next door could be a super model. I've tried a few dishes from her show, but sometimes I still feel like she is looking at me through the camera, saying, "I know you're not watching for the food, but that's okay. I understand. Maybe you'll like the next dish." She is an angel, sent to bring joy to the world.

In the end, it is clear that we need both of them. We need Rachel Ray so we appreciate Giada. There is no debate. Don't be deceived by thirty minute meals that take an hour. To quote Judge Smails from Caddyshack, "There are two forces in the world--Goodness and Badness. You need to decide which you want to be. Do you want to be good?" Choose Giada de Laurentiis.