Binocular Vision

I hate looking people in the eyes. I wish I could just pick one. Sometimes when I'm talking to someone I start thinking about how I'm looking at them, trying to look them in the eyes. It's too hard to watch both eyes--you have to kind of go out of focus like you were looking at one of those 3D posters where you look for the hidden image. So I look at one eye, and then the other. I wonder if they can tell that I'm only looking at one eye, so I shift to the space between the eyes. By now I've usually lost track of what is being said, caught up in my own neurosis.

If you think about the word focus, it is defined as a central point, which creates the dilemma of looking somebody in the eyes. If the eyes were located at the mid-line, it wouldn't be a problem. I think this is part of the reason why we are naturally drawn to cleavage--it's in the middle. It forms one line for the eyes to focus on. It's nature's way of simplifying the task of focusing. Of course this is often highly inappropriate, so you try extra hard to look into the eyes, and avoid the cleavage, taking you further away from the actual topic of conversation. Even without the temptation of cleavage, the eyes present enough of a problem on their own.

I don't know if anybody else has this problem, but I expect there will be at least a couple of people that develop this problem after reading this...

Good luck.

Cheers.

Cheerios?

I just finished a bowl of Cheerios, and let me tell you, it was great.  But there's a catch.  These Cheerios were Honey Nut.  I've had Cheerios without the Honey Nut -- not so great.  Kind of sad.  More like a bowl of Tearios.  

I initially wondered how we could shift to calling the Honey Nut variety just Cheerios, with the cheer implying that it was the good stuff, but that was my youth talking.  Now we have Cheerios in Regular, Honey Nut, Berry Burst, Yogurt Burst, MultiGrain, Cheerios Crunch, Fruity, Frosted and Apple Cinnamon.  That's a lot of bowls of whole grain goodness.  It is now my whimsical quest to try all of the cereals in the Cheerios family.  

This has also got me thinking about Grape-Nuts.  Going to have to let those thoughts waste a few hours.

HDTV Downfalls

I love HDTV.  In fact, I can't go back to standard definition.  The bar has been raised.  The clarity of watching sports is fantastic.  Even run of the mill sitcoms are more pleasurable to watch.  As HDTV was transitioning into the standard viewing experience across the country, many spoke of how it was affecting aging stars.  Many were undergoing the knife, because the sharpness of the television screen was so unforgiving.  

But I am not against aging gracefully, and this blog has nothing to do with something as serious as surgery.  My observation is much simpler.  Most of my observations on this blog are quite simple.  A couple of years ago I was channel surfing, and I stopped by the free preview of Skinemax, as the soothing music and glimpse of mid-day nudity caught my attention.  This was a short stop, for the story I am about to tell you is still to this day, almost as disturbing as the day it happened.  Within a New York minute, the beautiful actress is centered on the screen, arching backwards, breasts pointed to the high-definition camera.  And there it was.  Just off center screen, on 57 inches of what is usually high-definition glory, was the unexpected--a nipple hair!  About an inch long!   I am temporarily frozen, just retelling the story.  Oh how I wished I had just been watching the Cosby Show!

Now, I am not so naive as to think that this doesn't happen, but in the world I want to live in, this is at least remedied far shy of an inch!  Furthermore, if your profession involves nudity, don't you check yourself?  The production company certainly shares the blame as well.  

I no longer let Skinemax curiosity get the better of me.  I learned my lesson.  Please, learn from my mistakes.  HDTV is a blessing for sports, nature shows and action movies, but it too has it's limitations.  

You have been warned.   

In-N-Out

Vegetarians, we must take a stand. We must not continue going to In-N-Out with our meat-eating friends. Come on people. A grilled cheese is really just American cheese on a white bun! Who cares if it's animal style? Grilled onions--I can do better at home! In-N-Out says, "Quality you can taste," and that may be true for their patties, but there is a reason why they are so cheap, and that reason is all they give to the veggies. In the first paragraph on quality on their website, they reference over-processed ingredients while they rave about their beef. Only a couple hype-building paragraphs later, they are raving about their American "cheese" being the real thing, and sponge dough. The shakes are average, and not worth the trip. The much lauded fries are merely a consolation prize that the omnivores try to fool us with, while we all know that Del Taco's fries are far superior.

So please, omnivorous friends, don't patronize me by telling me how good a grilled cheese is in any guise. Six dollar burgers? Please, I come from the land where they have $13 Vege Burgers that blow your mind. Please realize that while I might occasionally accompany a friend to this sub-par establishment, it is not because of culinary waywardness. Maybe I'll enjoy the company more than the food, because In-N-Out kind of sucks for vegetarians.

Who Steals a Unicycle?

Seriously.  I have (had) two unicycles.  Someone lifted one out of our garage.  We live in the most secluded arm of the complex.  It makes no sense.  How many thieves ride unicycles?  Why didn't they take my $2400 mountain bike?  If they would have taken the other unicycle, which is "nicer" I wouldn't have minded so much, but I had grown quite fond of the little cheap one.  I'm a little confused, and kind of pissed off.  I must not publish the rest of my thoughts, lest they later incriminate me for malice and forethought, should I catch the thief.

Shirtless and Shameless

I just got back from the grocery store. I'm doing my thing, throwing stuff in my cart - hey, the produce looks good today, look at those tiny cans of Coke, look at that portly man with no shirt, see how they keep all the expensive razors locked up, the magazine selection sucks. Then I'm in line and I see it again... THAT TAN FAT MAN ISN'T WEARING A SHIRT!!! What the hell? How come that didn't freak me out the first time? He and a shirted buddy were both carrying 24 packs of Bud Light out the door. Of course it was Bud Light. People put on shirts to buy Bass Ale. The positive spin on this situation, is that at least he didn't have a t-shirt tucked into his Fruit of the Looms.

Thoughts on Chipotle

1)  It's awesome.

2)  When they ask me if I want grilled peppers an onions, I'm always looking at the ratio, which is usually about 2.5:1, peppers to onions, so I usually refuse.  But there was one time when the ratio was a rare 1:1, and I said, "yes," and it was great.

3)  The hot salsa is the best.

4)  Cilantro is better than lettuce, and I'm always on the lookout to see if that little cup is full, and then it all goes on my vegetarian burrito.

5)  I try to predict how big my burrito is going to be by the end of the line, starting from the first scoop of rice that goes onto the tortilla.

6)  The quick, casual fold of the tortilla makes the employee look either like a seasoned pro, or a sloppy, careless high school summer worker.  Sometimes I am amazed at how perfectly it comes together, while others make me stare at those behind the counter, almost like I'm sorry for them, except for they just jacked up my burrito.

7)  Is it a big deal that the pork is vegetarian fed?

8)  Chipotle is not health food.  But the hidden blessing of the really sloppy burrito wrapper is the double tortilla, 330 extra calorie burrito.

9)  Steve Ells, the Chipotle boss, is a graduate of The Culinary Institute of America.  Respect.

10) It's awesome.

Another Blog

Hey everybody, my cousin is probably as weird as I am, so check him out at barrettbenson.blogspot.com

Enjoy.

Your Pillow Rights

UNDER PENALTY OF LAW THIS TAG NOT TO BE REMOVED EXCEPT BY THE CONSUMER

All caps.  Sounds important.  Yet so often ignored.  On the one hand, so clearly a warning for the pillow merchant, yet a suggestion for the consumer.  While there is no harm in leaving your pillow tags on a pillow that goes into a case, there is nothing to be gained by leaving this tag on a decorative pillow.  This is a decorative disaster on par with the greatest fashion faux pas!  If you need to be reminded, in three languages, how to wash your pillow, then put the tag in a safe place.  They don't let me write pillow tags, or they would say, "Hey, you've bought the pillow.  You ARE the consumer.  Now take off this damn tag!"  Oh well, they're probably the same people who have the toilet paper coming off the back of the roll...

The Greatest Fashion Faux Pas

Fashion is a silly game. True style is never out of fashion, while what draws raves on the runway is rarely practical enough for common wardrobes. What is acceptable varies with culture, socioeconomic status, personal statements and more. I would never proclaim expertise in the matter, but I speak to the one inalienable truth of the fashion world -- there is never a time or a place, no matter what you've read in Ecclesiastes, where tucking your shirt into your underwear is acceptable. Don't do it. It's wrong. It's dirty. You will be judged. Harshly. I'm sure the offenders don't know any better, so we must educate them. Ignorance is not always bliss -- sometimes it's embarrassing.