Shirtless and Shameless

I just got back from the grocery store. I'm doing my thing, throwing stuff in my cart - hey, the produce looks good today, look at those tiny cans of Coke, look at that portly man with no shirt, see how they keep all the expensive razors locked up, the magazine selection sucks. Then I'm in line and I see it again... THAT TAN FAT MAN ISN'T WEARING A SHIRT!!! What the hell? How come that didn't freak me out the first time? He and a shirted buddy were both carrying 24 packs of Bud Light out the door. Of course it was Bud Light. People put on shirts to buy Bass Ale. The positive spin on this situation, is that at least he didn't have a t-shirt tucked into his Fruit of the Looms.

Thoughts on Chipotle

1)  It's awesome.

2)  When they ask me if I want grilled peppers an onions, I'm always looking at the ratio, which is usually about 2.5:1, peppers to onions, so I usually refuse.  But there was one time when the ratio was a rare 1:1, and I said, "yes," and it was great.

3)  The hot salsa is the best.

4)  Cilantro is better than lettuce, and I'm always on the lookout to see if that little cup is full, and then it all goes on my vegetarian burrito.

5)  I try to predict how big my burrito is going to be by the end of the line, starting from the first scoop of rice that goes onto the tortilla.

6)  The quick, casual fold of the tortilla makes the employee look either like a seasoned pro, or a sloppy, careless high school summer worker.  Sometimes I am amazed at how perfectly it comes together, while others make me stare at those behind the counter, almost like I'm sorry for them, except for they just jacked up my burrito.

7)  Is it a big deal that the pork is vegetarian fed?

8)  Chipotle is not health food.  But the hidden blessing of the really sloppy burrito wrapper is the double tortilla, 330 extra calorie burrito.

9)  Steve Ells, the Chipotle boss, is a graduate of The Culinary Institute of America.  Respect.

10) It's awesome.

Another Blog

Hey everybody, my cousin is probably as weird as I am, so check him out at barrettbenson.blogspot.com

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Your Pillow Rights

UNDER PENALTY OF LAW THIS TAG NOT TO BE REMOVED EXCEPT BY THE CONSUMER

All caps.  Sounds important.  Yet so often ignored.  On the one hand, so clearly a warning for the pillow merchant, yet a suggestion for the consumer.  While there is no harm in leaving your pillow tags on a pillow that goes into a case, there is nothing to be gained by leaving this tag on a decorative pillow.  This is a decorative disaster on par with the greatest fashion faux pas!  If you need to be reminded, in three languages, how to wash your pillow, then put the tag in a safe place.  They don't let me write pillow tags, or they would say, "Hey, you've bought the pillow.  You ARE the consumer.  Now take off this damn tag!"  Oh well, they're probably the same people who have the toilet paper coming off the back of the roll...

The Greatest Fashion Faux Pas

Fashion is a silly game. True style is never out of fashion, while what draws raves on the runway is rarely practical enough for common wardrobes. What is acceptable varies with culture, socioeconomic status, personal statements and more. I would never proclaim expertise in the matter, but I speak to the one inalienable truth of the fashion world -- there is never a time or a place, no matter what you've read in Ecclesiastes, where tucking your shirt into your underwear is acceptable. Don't do it. It's wrong. It's dirty. You will be judged. Harshly. I'm sure the offenders don't know any better, so we must educate them. Ignorance is not always bliss -- sometimes it's embarrassing.

Wedding Singers

Friends don't let friends sing at their weddings. Sure, you think they do, buy you're usually wrong. Think about all the people you know. Now think about how many of them are good enough to sing at a wedding. Now think about how many have sung at a wedding.

The nervousness, the crackling voice, the uncomfortable body language. And then the polite applause. It's just about all I can take. Who is doing the favor with this special music? I am specifically referring to the actual wedding, and not the reception singers, but without a doubt, in either case, when wedding music has been memorable, it has come from a hired gun. Months of planning have gone into these weddings - every last detail - to make them go as smoothly as possible, yet it is an unsettlingly consistent oversight to trust that one of your friends is going to perform so well as to enhance your wedding in any conceivable way. I do have one friend (yeah, that's you) who sings at weddings, but truth be told -- I've never heard her sing anywhere. As with my thoughts about gas stations, there are, of course, exceptions to the rules. But I implore you all -- don't let your friends sing at your weddings.

Old ladies and baseball.

There are many things that just put a smile on ones face. For many it is frolicking puppies, playful kittens, children playing in sprinklers, etc. I would like to cast my vote for old ladies at baseball games. My favorite, is two or three women, without men, wearing every conceivable piece of paraphernalia, pins in their caps, keeping score, and enjoying a beautiful summer day. Bonus points if they're drinking beer. I don't know what it is, but I love it when old ladies drink beer. I'm smiling just thinking about it.

Pet peeve

Seriously people--when you are sitting at a stop light, it's not nap time.  It's not time to put on your make-up.  It's not time to finish a magazine article.  It's not time to do anything that requires shifting into neutral while you sit.  You must be ready for the green light.  You must be alert.  Your right foot must hover over the accelerator.  Your left foot should, if applicable, be depressing the clutch pedal.  If you're living in farm country, this might be acceptable.  If you're living in Southern California, this is definitely not acceptable.  The two seconds it takes to re-engage your transmission is just long enough to trigger road rage.  As George Costanza said, "We are living in a society!"  Green means go.

In defense of leaving the toilet seat up...

So, as toilet seats go, I prefer to leave the seat in the down position.  One will rarely find toilet seats up in my own home.  But at work, I often leave the toilet seats in the "up" position, and I feel like explaining why, as it rarely comes up in conversation.  Often when I go into a public restroom, I will find urine, or like today--feces on the toilet seat.  Since I possess the ability to pee standing up, this does not interfere with my duties, the seat is raised, and the duty done.  "Why even bother lifting the seat?" one might ask.  And here it is.  It's so the lady walking towards the bathroom doesn't enter, and think I was the derelict pissing on the seat.  I would rather be considered inconsiderate, than unable to control my wiener.  Welcome to my mind.

Green Porno

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